Does your kid love a show that you dislike (or detest)? My daughter loves Clifford. While it is super cute to watch her dance excitedly when the theme music comes on, my mind wanders after the first few minutes. Below are some of the things I think about while watching Clifford.

1. Clifford is the biggest buzzkill around. He’s constantly nagging everyone and encouraging [read-shaming] them into “good behavior.” One time he shamed T-Bone (a fellow canine companion) into returning a super cool toy to the negligent owner who misplaced it.

Who do you think you are, Clifford? Get off your high horse.

Big Red Shamer

2. Clifford is a menace. It is hard to fathom the excrement he would produce. And since he lives on an island (see #4), his colon evacuation real estate is severely limited. Sorry island residents who cope with the terror and refuse of a colossal-sized red canine. One time, he started blowing clothes from a tree right onto some onlookers’ faces. The only thing I could think of is how rank his mouth must smell.

Another time the bastard had trouble sleeping and screeched all night, obviously waking up all of the neighbors. Immediate death. I can’t believe the residents of Birdwell Island didn’t grab their pitchforks and forcibly remove him upon ferry disembark.

Clifford poop
3. What reasonable minded parent would let him near their kid? Although he began with humble beginnings as the runt of the litter, he quickly grew to the size of a mountain. To see him in real life would render one speechless. The show doesn’t explicitly say so but the most likely explanation is that he is the product of nuclear radiation. See Mothra or Godzilla for explanation. And lest we forget, dogs share a common ancestor with wolves. And this dog in particular is the common ancestor of a wolf mixed with nuclear sludge. The residents of Birdwell Island are one maniacal rage away from complete anniliation.

Save yourself
4. Emily Elizabeth’s (protagonist/little brat with the mountain sized red dog) parents must be extremely well off and they spoil her. They originally lived in the city in a nice brownstone-ish home. But when the red monster grew to the size of said home, they dropped everything they were doing and moved to Birdwell Island to sell shells. Must be nice. Also, who wants to buy shells (on an island no less)? Maybe I’m a cruel parent but Clifford would have waved bye-bye long before we got to the can’t-live-in-our-home-anymore-because-of-giant-dog stage.

shells

5. What happens when Clifford dies? In my mind all I can think of is a giant funeral pyre blazing over Birdwell Island for weeks on end. It would be the only way.

nightmare

6. Jetta (biotchy rich girl) is mean and Emily Elizabeth is a door mat. Jetta is always bragging or putting people down and Emily Elizabeth never calls her out for it. Even their other friends are like whatever, Jetta sucks.

One time, Jetta repeatedly accused Emily Elizabeth of stealing a medal and she just rolled over about it. Clifford (being the goodie-two-shoes that he is) happily finds it. They all rejoice. Grow a pair, EE. Biotch accusing you of thievery. Make her watch you feed the medal to Clifford. Then lightly suggest that she is next.

That will teach her a lesson in rude behavior. Trust.

clifford medal

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